Reputation means everything...

Today is a blog for the kids out there and their parents. The news often catches my attention, and how could it not with unstable people throwing away cats and teens crashing into a bridge at 100+ miles an hour (BTW he lived, though surely his life will change severely). Yesterday's news was full of stories to blog about, but one in particular hit me in the parenting strings.

A 14 year old boy was accused of breaking into a neighbor's apartment and brutally stabbing a deaf and mute 16 year old boy. Right off the story is horrific; what would make a child do something so violent? Then it gets even worse. The news, in their search for a bigger and better story, starts knocking on neighbor's doors. They have this sick desire to be the first on the scene, the first to shove a tragic event into people's faces, and then film for the world to see. The neighbors rarely let America down, which I never understand. Relatives, siblings, and yes, even parents can be found on the news recounting the tragedy or fatality of their loved ones, as soon as the same day! This trend is especially disturbing to me.

But, back to this story. The news gathers neighbors, tells them of the brutal stabbing and then films their reaction. When the shock turns to anger, they begin questioning about the accused boy. Neighbors quickly paint a picture of a hoodlum with accusations like, "I always knew he was bad", and "I saw him looking in cars with a flashlight last week." Soon people were coming out of the woodwork, one by one piling on more judgement and vague accusations on this 14 year old.

Turns out, the boy's own mother attacked him and then blamed the 14 year old. I'll let that soak in a minute...

This is a horrible example of how life is an ongoing learning experience. I don't promote the tactics used by the news crews, but I will certainly sit my kids down and explain how this could happen to any kid, especially if that kid has gotten in trouble before. Keep in mind, there were no reports of this 14 year old ever being arrested for anything, but he was readily accepted as a violent offender because of emotional neighbors, and possibly some stupid actions on his part in the past.

Many kids today think it's a right of passage to get in trouble, or they think what they're doing wrong doesn't hurt anyone, or maybe they simply believe they won't get caught. What they don't think about is their reputation. It's something I'm always trying to teach my children. You are how you act, at least in the eyes of the public. If you show the slightest disregard for someone else's property or person, you're viewed as a deviant. If you don't have enough people around you who can vouch for your innocence, you risk being condemned by the public, and even by the law.

The mother in this case was obviously cold, or unstable, enough to brutally harm her own child and then blame another child. Imagine if she was able to continue the lie? An innocent teen would have been put in jail. He's already been found guilty by his neighbors.

So kids, know that what you do does matter, always has some consequence, and does shape your reputation and the way the world views you.

I hope that the 14 year old, and all kids in similar situations, takes this experience as a lesson in human behavior and doesn't cause himself more problems by reacting out of anger. I also hope that the neighbors learned something too. Don't be quick to judge another, say "No Comment" and let the police and court systems do their job.

Of course this is my opinion, let me know if you agree or disagree.

Thanks,

Kristin : )

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

David Bowie's Changes

I love that Bowie song. Life is all about changes, some you welcome, others you dread, and then there are those constant little changes that go on everyday. These go basically unnoticed until that one day when you wake up and say, "Hey! When did that happen?" There is a point in every parent's life when this happens, some parents may have many moments like this. I'm having a big one now.

As a parent of four I know the meaning of busy, swamped, overwhelmed, and yes, joy, and unconditional love also. Having a full house is chaotic in good and bad ways. I've learned over the years to pick my battles, fight the important ones, and above all I've learned to put my head down like a bull and plow through tough times. It's how I got things done, never stopping to think how tired I was or how crazy things were (like the boy scout hike for my oldest where my husband & I ended up carrying our younger kids up the entire mountain). Or taking care of my 6 year old and my 3 month old sons, who learned to share very early on. Too bad it was a horrible case of Chicken Pox. No matter what the situation, no matter the challenge each new change brought, we just did it. That's what a parent does. Your kids need something, you do it. But, what do you do when they don't need you any longer?

I don't think anyone ever stops needing their parents in an emotional sense. They do, if we've done our job right, stop needing us to physically do everything and be everywhere with them. This is a hard change to handle. There's no way to put my head down and charge through this challenge, because the challenge is to stand back and let my kids change into the adults they are becoming, eventually completely independent of me. Necessary, but heart wrenching at the same time.

We are dealing with big changes in our family. My oldest is saving for his own place, my second son is leaving for college next Friday, son#3 is starting middle school, and my baby is going into 6th grade. Our family unit will be forever altered. This is not an easy thing to grasp. How did they get so big? Where did all those sleepless nights go, diaper changes, first steps, milestones? When did they go from learning how to tie their shoes to running out the door to their own adulthood?

I chatted this morning about this very thing with a couple of friends on Twitter and with moms IRL, including my own. The response was basically the same. We raise our kids to become happy, healthy, independent people, but when the day comes for them to do that we want to shove them back into a cradle and have more time (metaphorically anyway). Why? I can only answer for me, and I'm sure when my younger two kids are ready to jump ship I'll have a different answer. Here's how I feel now.

Change is never easy. I have devoted the last 20 years to my family. That's 240 months, 7305 days, 175,316 hours...you get the picture. That's a lot of time in. A lot of changes took place to get us to where we are today. Now I'm faced with changes that will take us away from the family as we know it. We'll always be family, but not the same. As their ages change so do the dynamics. It's not just the kids learning to be more independent, I too have to learn how to be independent from them. That's the hard part for me. I'm not a clingy mom, but I can't help feeling like it's all happening too fast. Not to mention that dreaded mortality monster. When we see our children become adults we can't ignore how much older we are too. So as I worry about what kind of lives my children will make for themselves, I also worry how much I will be around for. That's a scary thought.

The one thing I know is there is no easy way to deal with all of life's changes. Fighting them is exhausting and a waste of time. They're going to happen anyway, with or without my consent. What I will do is listen to David Bowie; I will "...turn and face the change..." Embrace it even? Well, maybe not right away, but I will retain the belief that not all change is bad. For example, if I don't allow my kids to grow up and move out, how will I put my evil plan into action. The plan where I shove dirty socks under their couches, write my name in permanent marker on their vinyl siding, and pee all over their bathroom seat (Yes! I said it, you all know you want to.) Pay back is a mother ;)

Sure, I may have more sad days, growing up and letting go are processes, they take time. If I get too sad, or begin to dwell too much, someone please direct me back here to this blog post, where I can recharge and remember why I did all this. I want to see the look on my adult kids' faces when they come out of that bathroom. :D

For some other great blogs for parents you have to read these. They inspired me to write about my changes and help me keep a sense of humor about this thing we call parenting.

Claudine M. Jalajas

Lisa Bonchek Adams

Thanks for stopping by and for your patience while I took a little summer blog nap :) It was needed and now it's over.

Kristin : )

Healthy Fear

As a mom of four, I know how hard it is to raise kids today. The never ending battle to teach them right and wrong, sympathy and empathy, good and bad, safe and dangerous. There are a million opportunities and ways to do this each day. Whichever methods or words we choose, we all have to go to bed knowing we have done the best we can to keep our children safe, healthy, and happy. A recent trip to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles aka Defunct Meandering Vexationstation) got me thinking.

A Grandmother was sitting next to me with her 3-4 year old granddaughter. The little girl (donning adorably huge fuzzy bunny ears) was singing songs and reciting her alphabet, with her grandmother encouraging her to sing louder. It was very cute. I made sure to look up after each segment of her impromptu show, just to smile. Kids love an audience. Other people nearby cheered and complimented the little girl. It's funny how bureaucracy can strike up these kinds of kinships.

Where the day took a turn for me was when the little girl started asking her grandmother about strangers. She pointed at the woman who clapped, the nice gentleman who said good job, and me who had smiled, and asked if we were strangers. Her grandmother answered yes, which we were. She went on to ask if everyone around her were strangers, which prompted another obvious yes from the grandmother. Then the little girl announced that her mother said ALL strangers wanted to steal her.

"Do all these strangers want to steal me away?"

" Yes, " her grandmother replied again. "You are just a little girl. You can't talk to strangers ever."

I couldn't help but glance up from my book to see her eyes widen as she looked around again. Her songs and dancing stopped. Can you imagine the fear pumping through that child's body at that moment? I could see it.

I'm not in the position to say that it was the right or wrong thing to teach that little girl. Kids are inherently trusting and it's scary to think how easily they can be manipulated into dangerous situations. But I do admit that hearing that type of blanket fear being taught worries me. What happens when that little girl grows up? Will she harbor this underlying wide spread fears that her mother and grandmother have taught, and obviously at some level still believe? That is not only sad, but scary. Fear is the foundation of prejudice and hate. I'm afraid that teaching our children to fear everyone and everything will set the stage for some serious problems in the future and a huge backslide for humanity (that was a bit dramatic, but you know what I mean)

Anyone who really knows me is snickering at parts of this post. I am pretty much the most paranoid parent around, second only to my husband. I am cautious, sometimes overly so, but I try (or at least I hope) to convey to my kids that there are possible rewards and consequences in every situation. There is a balance, a healthy amount of fear needed to keep children aware and careful, but still able to grow into open and trusting adults. That is what I want most for my kids, because I believe that's where they'll find happiness.

So, maybe the key is adding another goal to my nightly ritual. When I lie down to fall asleep knowing that I've done everything in my power to keep my children safe, healthy, and happy, I will also be more aware of teaching them something that helps them become a better person out in the world when they become adults.

Just think of the possibilities if our kids could be just a little more respectful, accepting, and understanding to each other as adults. Imagine them acting and thinking from these emotions and not from fear.

Thanks,

Kristin : )