Semper Mater Matris
The
first hint of his decision came in a text, during my lunch break.
David: So…mom. I’m thinking about joining the Marines.
Me:
What? Are you serious?
David:
Yes.
David:
Mom?
Me:
I’m here. Processing. You broke the no texting bad news rule...btw.
David:
I know. I’ll call tonight. I was hoping you would break it to dad first.
How
is a mother supposed to react to an announcement like this? With pride? Fear?
As
we began the discussions that would shape my son’s future I couldn’t help
wondering how other parents felt. Did they try to talk their child out of it or
did they immediately jump for joy? The first person who came to mind was a
friend of mine, Dana*. Her son, Billy* was just a year older than mine. He
enlisted in the Marine Corps while he was still in high school and shipped out
to boot camp a week after graduation.
Dana exudes pride
for her son’s military path. Her wardrobe consists of shirts in three colors:
red, white, and blue touting sayings like, “The Only Thing Tougher Than a US
Marine is Their Mom” and “Don’t Mess With Me I Raised a Marine.” Her car looks
like she just drove out of a Memorial Day parade; with more stickers than
bumper and an assortment of initials and dates scrawled out in soap on every
window. If you were familiar with the Marines you’d be able to tell what
company, platoon, and job Billy held, as well as his base and the dates he
deployed and returned from Afghanistan. She is the epitome of a faithful
American.
I, on the other
hand, was filled with worries and fear over my son’s choice. In all honesty, I was not thinking what he
will take into his adulthood from this experience, but what it will take from
him. The obvious fear is the possibility of the ultimate sacrifice; a life in
exchange for our rights. Not that I don’t enjoy the rights we have. I respect
and commend every person who has lived and died for our freedoms; I just never
imagined my children in that role, in that danger. That unspeakable fear aside, there are so many
other worries. What if my son has to take a life? We all can relate to the
scenario of taking a life to save your own, or that of your fellow soldiers and
friends, but what if you are simply ordered to take lives without a clear and
eminent threat? How do you process that? What if you live while other soldiers
around you are killed? What does that do to a person, not the soldier trained
to aim, but the person beneath the Kevlar?
All of these
concerns I have voiced to my son. We had many long conversations involving ‘what
if’ scenarios and I force fed him every book I could find on war. But
ultimately, it was his decision to make. All I could do was make sure he was
well informed when he made it. On Memorial Day he left for boot camp, six days
before his twentieth birthday.
Dana showed up
that morning to see him off. She was a walking billboard of encouragement with her
Marines hat and a t-shirt stating “Pain is Just Weakness Leaving the Body.” I
was barely able to keep my weakness intact as the recruiter’s car, carrying my
son, turned the corner. Dana and her
husband were a great help to me and my family. They knew exactly what we were
going through, they had been there not so long ago.
In the months that
followed Dana and I talked a lot. I had known her for years, but our sons’
military paths brought us closer. Although I couldn’t help but feel that I was
failing by comparison in the mom pride department. I was proud of my son’s decision to serve
our country, and was growing more proud as he worked his way through the
thirteen week training regimen, but couldn’t bring myself to put on a sassy
shirt and cheer. My thoughts were still muddled with all of those ‘what ifs’.
Meanwhile, these
fears were coming to life for Dana. A few months before David enlisted Billy’s
unit was deployed to Afghanistan. At the end of their tour, while dismantling
the camp, they were ambushed and two of his friends were killed. This held up
their departure. When he was finally back on American soil it was not the happy
homecoming that Dana had hoped and prayed for. Billy was depressed and angry
and had no way to express it, so he drank.
Dana tried talking
to him and urged him to seek help. She knew something was wrong, but Billy
wasn’t ready to face it. All she could do was keep trying to get him to talk to
her, to a friend, to anyone. What they later found was he was suffering from
PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder).
The Mayo Clinic
defines PTSD as a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying
event. Some symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety.
They have found people who seek help soon after experiencing symptoms have a
better chance of recovering and a decreased chance of developing a long-term
disorder.
Studies released
by the United States Department of Veterans Affairs claim combat exposure as a
leading cause of PTSD cases among military members and list many secondary
problems that often accompany the disorder like depression, drinking or drug
problems, and job or relationship problems. These can also exacerbate into
physical symptoms, such as chronic pain.
The Mayo Clinic
warns that symptoms can continue to worsen if untreated and can lead to
thoughts of suicide or violence towards others. Seeking help at the onset of
symptoms is the key to recovery. But what if military members don’t want to
seek help? Dana knew her son was experiencing some of these symptoms and
drinking heavily since returning home. She begged him to talk to someone. He
told her it wasn’t what Marines did and that he would be fine.
The Department of
Veterans Affairs reported that out of the one million troops that left active
duty in Iraq and Afghanistan from 2002-2009 about half came in for VA services.
Out of them 48% were diagnosed with a mental health problem, like PTSD. Their
concern is for the military members that do not seek help for their symptoms.
The reasons ranged from concerns of being judged as weak to feelings that
therapy, in general, is ineffective.
There are also
cases where military members did ask for help, but were turned away. Kathy
Dobie, a reporter for The Nation wrote about such an incident involving a young
Marine from New Jersey. After his second tour in Iraq Lance Corporal James Jenkins
was having a hard time coping with the violence he experienced. He was involved
in close range combat with enemy forces, which resulted in a tremendous loss of
life, including eight Americans.
Jenkins repeatedly
told his mother about his nightmares, overwhelming feelings of remorse, and
uncontrollable adrenaline surges. He started gambling, because he liked the
fast pace and risks involved, and it quickly became an addiction. When his
money ran out he began writing bad checks to continue gambling. He was arrested
twice and spent time in the brig, a military jail. He started talking about
suicide. His mother tried to get help by calling his commander, but was told
they had too many soldiers to worry about besides him and he was probably only
using the threat of suicide to avoid getting in trouble. Instead of facing his
third arrest, Jenkins deserted.
The Marines found
Jenkins living in a nearby town with his fiancée. They surrounded the house,
but before they could reach him he killed himself. Lance Corporal James Jenkins
was 23 years old.
Dana kept pushing
Billy to seek help and eventually he gave in. She jokes that she harped him
into it, but the relief in her eyes is evident. Billy’s symptoms have improved
and he has stopped binge drinking. Dana does not give away too many details of
his therapy, which I respect, but she does say it is an ongoing process for
him.
I asked Dana how
she did it. How was she able to put the worry and fears aside and beam with
pride for her son, the Marines, and the country even after everything they have
been through? Her response was simple.
“The fear is
always there. I just choose to support him by being as positive as I can.”
My son, David, is
currently in advanced training to be a Fire, Crash and Rescue Technician for
the Marines. I find that my pride has, for the most part, won out over my
fears. I have even bought a t-shirt, although it is modest in comparison to
Dana’s collection. It just says, USMC with the words Semper Fi printed
underneath. I will be wearing it to my son’s graduation in May**, along with the
biggest smile I can muster. As he has learned to live by the Marine code Semper
Fidelis (Always Faithful), I will learn to live with the fear and all of the ‘what
ifs’ because I too have a code, Semper Mater Matris (Always Mother). Not even
the Marines can change that.
